BREAKING NEWS UPDATE
Reports out of Italy indicate that Juan Bernabè is refusing to accept being fired by Lazio and has barricaded himself and his robotic penis inside. The Eagle-handler has reportedly been living at Formello, Lazio’s team facilities for the last 15 years, and has now locked himself inside an out-building, refusing to leave until the team accepts his apology for posting photos of his robodick online and reinstates him.
“The Spanish falconer has been living in a room in the Formello sports center for 15 years and continues to ask for forgiveness, apparently in vain. According to reports from some Roman press outlets, Bernabé has barricaded himself inside his outbuilding, showing signs of torment and anxiety.”
If you’re wondering how we got here this is the original story from Tuesday.
The eagle handler responsible for flying a live eagle around Stadio Olimpico before Lazio games is now out of a job after he shared entirely too much information about his penile implant surgery on Instagram.
Juan Bernabè has been the eagle handler for the team since 2010, but the club finally said enough was enough after he went on Instagram live to explain in terrifying detail all about his new button-controlled robodick.
“I had the surgery to increase my sexual performance because I’m very active. I need to ejaculate whenever I have free time. It was a wonderful surgery. I had it so I can perform like I was able to when I was young. My erection is natural, but with this device I press a button that allows me to be able to perfectly control both the erection and the timing.”
Bernabè, who is also a self-professed fan of Mussolini, made his account private — but it wasn’t enough to save his job. Lazio released a statement apologizing to fans that the eagle wouldn’t be flown — this is translated by Google from their website.
The S.S. Lazio S.p.a., shocked to see the photographic and video images of Mr. Juan Bernabè and in reading the statements that accompanied them, he communicates that he has interrupted, with immediate effect, all relations with him, given the seriousness of his behavior.
The Club is aware of the pain, moreover shared, that the loss of the eagle will cause to the fans in the next home matches, but believes that it is not possible to be associated, all of them, moreover with the historical symbol of the eagle, with a subject who, with his initiative, has made the continuation of the relationship inadmissible.
Normally when middle-aged men brag about buying a new hog it involves going to a Harley Davidson dealership. That might have been the better move here for Juan Bernabè, but good luck with your robot sex.
